Friday, January 23, 2009


Perhaps my recent post about a looming bout of depression was a bit off base. While I do recognize the possibility that there is something fucked up in my head that all too often leads me to feel depressed, it seems I jumped the gun a bit this time.

I do sometimes feel like shit, gloomy, dark, inconsolable, and it does almost seem to work in cycles. Our recent weather certainly hasn't helped, and the fact that, outside of work, I'm still too often a bit homebound certainly leads me toward the unpleasantness. There are also extenuating circumstances swirling about my head lately as well.

At the same time I have to admit that there are fairly good things happening in my life lately. In past blog posts I've mentioned my historic treatment of people, my tendency to put up walls around me and blame others for their unwillingness to put up with my shit long enough to realize I'm a decent person. I can't say I don't put up some walls still, but I think I'm realizing the way to build sensible and healthy walls, or so I hope, and I'm becoming more able to accept people as they are and build friendships with people.

My recent depression was more than likely a fleeting thing, which it always has been, but this time it's fleeted quicker than in the past, and I think that the work I've done with myself is part of this.

And what's the biggest difference between this time and the last time? I haven't been wallowing in it. I didn't get in the depression like a pig in mud and roll around in it. I didn't pull it over myself like the sadly comfortable blanket it had become over the years.

Another difference I think is that I did recognize it as it showed up instead of being suddenly ass deep in sad.

I know that I'm not entirely better, and I'm positive that this is something I'll always deal with. I do think that I'm stronger and that it's not something I'll allow to cripple me anymore. I can't know that, and I don't want to think that I'll let myself be fooled by one victory into thinking that I'm suddenly a happy and carefree person. I wouldn't want that anyway really, because I can accept that it's just not who I am. I brood over things, worry about nonsense, assume the worst. My glass will always probably be just under half empty, and all of those things are all right. The universe really isn't out to get me, and while someone somewhere may hate me, at least I know that everyone doesn't.

And finally, if you live in my town, then you know how absolutely incredible the weather is today. The sunshine we're getting isn't actually responsible for my elevated mood, but damn if it don't help. It's beautiful today, and I love it even if all I've done is take out months worth of recycling. I still have the plastics yet to go, but I'll have the windows down and the stereo as up as is reasonable with the boys in the car. Also I get paid and get to go to the tail end of an awesome friend's birthday party after work.