So far today I've mostly cleaned a bathroom and partly cleaned a kitchen. I've gone through the stuff I've been pulling out of my pockets for most of 2011 and throwing on the floor of my bedroom as well.
I've pulled this house in around me like moldering blanket that I can't seem to replace with a fresh new blanket. I've lived here since shortly before The Boy was born, and that's the longest I've lived any one place since I hightailed it out of Georgia so many years ago.
Momma came over today to look at some of the repair work we have to do. We looked at the holes in the drywall and didn't get past the one I kicked when we fought shortly after telling her that I had to come out. That was the same night she broke the French press, though to be honest she's broken more than one, though only one in anger. I also kicked a dent in the oven that night, but we aren't keeping score anyway. A good relationship is not a competition, even when it is.
I've sat on the back porch of this house in that same white chair and read so many books late at night, smoking too many cigarettes, always of course drinking just enough beer. The blogging I miss so much all happened in the exact same five square feet of space that will soon see an end to such.
We've eaten so many meals at the table directly to my left, the table is never clean for very long. I have pictures of that table full of Momma, Big Brother, and The Boy all engrossed in their own lunch and their own book.
I don't approach new very well. I always seem to get in in my own way and find a place for myself, but getting to that point is hard for me. Starting the ball rolling has always been one of those talents I lack.
And this house is not the place I need to be. The deal we've had here is unbeatable in a monetary sense, but I can't continue to accept that deal. I have to move on, and I really should have done this a long time ago, much like the cleaning. It's hard to cast off comfort, or maybe it's just hard for me.
It's time, and I'm making ready. It's time for me to grow up a little bit more and to cast off this place. It offers a kind of comfort, but it's leaden with problem. I can imagine how that sounds, but if you were privy to all my own info, and if I really went into the issues inherent in living here and the situation and family, and if you don't get the point . . .
And so begins my journey out of the suburbs finally.