Why can't I stop sitting here worrying about her and instead sit here and worry about myself? Is it because even when I do worry about myself I tend to stop at worry?
I could be doing something, but I opt for not doing something. I've been doing the same thing for so long that I kinda just don't know how to do that while adding other stuff. I'm a little scared to do something, and that's one of those things I don't talk about.
It would scare you to hear a list of things that scare me. I absolutely hate having to call people on the phone. I'm so cool with texting because of that, but there are times you just have to call. There are certain calls I can make, like the produce company when I call in an order at work. But soccer families even considering how much I can enjoy coaching soccer? yeah, that takes motivation.
On some level I fear being alone, but more than that I fear being in the wrong relationship. Even the greatest ever heterosexual marriage is wrong if one of you is not in fact heterosexual. And I know how easily I can get sucked into a not good relationship with a guy, and I think there are a lot of factors I can look at to make sense of why gay people rush into things sometimes instead of maybe waiting to see of the next train is less full, or something.
Trying to figure out what you're supposed to do now that that whole cooking thing is so quickly losing its luster is a whole other can of brown, wiggly things. And that means that I have to stop not doing something and do the opposite instead.
And really, I do nearly love my job. So many of the things I've always loved are still lovable, but I'm realizing two things. I really am not meant to be a career cook, and I'm really getting too old for the job. Read Bourdain. I'm nearly forty, and I'm roughly fifteen years older than the average for kitchen people there. There's a server who is less than two full years younger than me, then there are the owner who have at least twenty on me, but that's no consolation.
Maybe it's time to write a book. If I do it right there's years worth of drinking money in it.
