Sunday, June 13, 2010

three plus hour drive

Blogger is offering me some new templates with which I could change the look of this here blog, but I think I'm going to mostly not do so for now.

As it happens currently, that I'm on a computer and attempting anything means that I'm at Momma's house. She's at work at the moment though will soon enough be heading here, and then I'll go home myself. I picked up an early shift tomorrow and would like to get to bed soon and get up and to work on time.

I may offer to pick up another shift Tuesday as I need the hours, but it would be nice to have a break. My last day off was last Tuesday, and my next days off will be this weekend. That's right, like normal people I'll have Saturday and Sunday off.

I'm taking the weekend off in order to drive to Atlanta for the wedding of my oldest niece. Perhaps by the time we're there and I'm seeing her as an adult my mortality will flash full in my face, but I'm surrounded regularly at work by people, on average, ten years younger than me. There is one server a few months younger than me, and the owner and his wife are at least in their 60's I assume, though I've never asked them. But for the most part I'm very much the oldest person employed there.

I'm looking forward to the trip this weekend. Of my growing family I've seen two brothers in the last three years, and I've seen zero of the rest of them in three years.

Of course it can't help but be a little odd. The last I saw the bulk of the fam I was not gay as far as they knew. The two brothers who've visited me knew and were kind enough to leave me to make my own schedule of coming out. Soon enough after that last visit I sent the bulk email in which I told them all the news, and that had something to do with my choice to refrain from visiting.

I could make lots of excuses as to why I avoided the family for far too long, yet I can't help but feel that those excuses are just that and lame as well. At the same time I think I can justify somewhat reasonably my choice. I don't expect anything but happiness to see and be seen, but I can't know, and I have this habit of avoidance when it comes to even a chance of discomfort or having to talk about stuff.

Of course I'm also pretty much opener than all hell when it comes to being out here in my current hometown to the point where I go out of my way to let people know fairly quickly. I'm just not willing to hide.

A good example happened recently at work. The kitchen was closed, and I was off work and at the bar enjoying a beer before heading home. We'd hosted a rather obnoxious bachelorette party, and one of the attendees was in the bar for some reason about which I didn't care. The only other person at that moment in the bar not a coworker was a customer that I didn't know, and he was happy to flirt with the party goer. Somehow the suggestion came up that he would be willing to marry the partier, and I was asked if I'd be willing to marry her.

I shook my head and explained matter of factly that I'm not into girls. He then asked if I'd marry him. Have I mentioned before that I'm kind of an ass sometimes. I looked him over, gave a look that I'm sure was more than a little disdainful and answered that no I would not.

Friends tend to learn quickly what they can and can not get by with when it comes to discussing the gay and my own the gay. It's certainly not a taboo subject, and I'm even willing to answer stupid questions that people have. I'm sure to them the questions aren't stupid, and I believe it's best to be open and out and answer those stupid questions. It's really the best way for people to release their stereotypes and learn that we homos are pretty much not any different from them. At the same time I'm not willing to stand for shit. I'm not willing to allow people around me to use the idea of gay as an insult.

So my point, as I dance around it for an hour or two, is that I'm, as mentioned, out and open. It's not even a thing anymore for the vast majority of people that I know. I even post gay stuff on Facebook sometimes, and I'm friends with all my brothers and my parents and the sisters in law. They at least have the chance to see the stuff I post, though they never comment on it. They didn't even mention when I posted the thing about Christiano Ronaldo and mentioned my belief that he's a rather attractive man.

And whether we ever get to my point doesn't even matter now. I've jabbered for long enough that most of you probably forgot where I was going. Part of my point is that I really don't care what anyone in the family thinks. What I do care about is how they act.

Chances are that it won't even come up. Perhaps they all will avoid the subject so as to not mar the sacred occasion of the matrimonial joining of my niece and that guy that I don't know but who she's marrying. I'm not going to be the douche in this instance. I want as much as most anybody for this to be a wonderful day for her, untainted with nonsense.

What do I expect? Lots of hugs and smiles and happiness at the reunion after too long. I expect to be amazed at the height and growth and ages of all the nieces and nephews. I'm sure my own kids will get tired of the "You're so big I can't believe it OMG ya'll." The Boy will freak out the first time someone tries to kiss him, and I'll do my damnedest to explain to people that they should just not try. I'll warn him ahead of time that people will attempt to plant smooches on him, and I'll hope that he'll at least be hugable and return hugs, and I'll hope that people can respect his wishes about contact.

What else do I expect? I'm sure I'll have a moment of sadness/depression as I convince myself that I'll never get married and can't legally anyway. Momma might have a moment as well. We'll remember our own wedding twelve years back and then the sudden change our relationship saw so not so long ago.

And what more might I expect? I can't know, but I can't let it keep me away anymore. I'm pretty sure I still love my family, and I'm pretty sure I'm tired of not seeing them for far too long.