death by gay equality

Okay, perhaps I've argued for equality on occasion, like letting gay people have the same rights as the not gay people. And up to a point, I'm certainly happy to oblige the gays of the world. But I've had to point out to people the nightmare scenario of gay marriage one too many times. I fear that, due to Ed Brayton preaching the gay equality message, I must once again break open a package of truth, though I promise to leave the buttery spread of morality off this time.

Will gay marriage allow gay families the same rights afforded those with differently gendered parents? Will marriage equality allow aging gay couples the same rights as the not gays when one of the gays is hospitalized for some reason? Yes, they would be able to visit, such a simple act, taken for granted by the hetero couples. Will marriage equality make adoption by gay couples easier and thereby enhance the quality of life for some children who may otherwise live out their lives between foster homes? It is entirely possible that this may indeed happen. Those are only a few scenarios in which equality would work to make some lives better.

The arguments we generally hear against equality for gay people are generally mindless religious based meanness and spite. The closest we get to arguments are not good arguments and are often lies instead. So why do politicians fight so hard against something they know is destined? Why not be the good guy and help equality legislation get through? Title IX means that we now have a good national soccer team, so maybe gay equality will be good in a similar vein.

I've said it before, and I fear that I must continue to proclaim the news about gay marriage. It may be good for families and for society and for gay people to grant them the same equality that they should have had all this time, but that ignores the chilling truth of gay marriage.

When gay marriage is legalized finally, our world will immediately face its doom. Earthquakes will ravage the entire surface of the earth as the nazi tyrannosaurs break free from their underground cages. As they break through and out of their nests, their laser eyes will develop fully. Nazi tyrannosaur with laser eyes will then stalk the earth killing all who dare appear. We will all, gay and not gay, atheist and superstitious alike, be nothing more than food for the hungry laser eyes and gullets.

So, sure, we could start treating gay people as equal partners in humanity, kind of like we should have been doing all along with the gay people, the differently hued people and the non-penis havers, but when you've got an ass full of nazi tyrannosaur laser eye, don't come fucking crying to me because I told you so.