Saturday, November 24, 2007

little old doll with a frown

I've known for years. Momma has known for years. I've bottled it and buried it deep, but it was never deep enough. It's always resurfaced, and I've always faithfully pushed it back down again. Things have happened that have forced it to the surface, all the way out, never to be buried again.

Accepting that I'm gay is not difficult for me. Letting it out and knowing how to approach it intelligently is another matter. The hardest part of it all is the changes this forces on Momma and myself. All that we've come to accept as our life is now different.

I've known for years. I've bottled it and buried it and reburied it. I've avoided things that would bring it up. It's always been there. I've been learning lately how denying this truth has affected so much more than I could have imagined. I've been learning lately how much I've been lying to myself and how much work it's been trying to keep this buried.

And that's all I have for you right now. I've wanted to write this post for so long, but my many attempts have all fallen short. There's so much more to the story that doesn't really fit here right now, and I may never explain the story that this past year has been. I do hope that my having finally gotten this out will allow me to get back to my usual blogging self. Knowing that this post needed to be written yet being unable to has been my source of blog block lately, or so I hope. So look forward to me being able to write again soon.

The title of this post is from the song Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk by Rufus Wainwright. I'll post more concerning this as well as a video as soon as I feed some kids and grab a smoke.

13 comments:

michele said...

That was courageous.

doc said...

If you hadn't admitted it soon, I was going to do it for you.

Don't worry, you're still one of my favorite bloggers, even when you never write anything/

Sue Doe-Nim said...

Really?

Overpriced Designer Man Bag said...

whoa i had no idea...

Betty said...

I salute you for your honesty. Good on you.

Wishing you well!

audrey said...

Sam, you've hinted around this in posts before (on your blog maybe, but in comments elsewhere on our "mutual friends" blogs. I was wondering when, or if, you'd ever come to a point where you would state it one way or another.

You're an awesome guy. I always wish for you and Momma and the boys nothing short of true happiness.

Peace, baby. Blog on.

SabrinaT said...

sometimes we need to say it out loud to others to make it real...
I enjoy your blog..

Lynn said...

I'm new to your blog, but I wish you all the best, as well.

Mariah said...

You rock! Good for you. I hope you are able to let go and be yourself around me. You are who you are and that is what I like about you.

Salute!

wenso said...

Yeah, what Mariah said.

Being you is what makes the most sense. Anything else is poorly disguised madness.

Daryl Cobranchi said...

Congrats. Not on being gay. That's just a thing. Congrats on having the guts to take a stand.

COD said...

What is it with this weekend? Gookin comes out as an atheist, you come out as gay. All this personal strength and honesty is making me nervous!

Ren said...

Ok, I obviously took a long sabbatical from reading my fave blogs because I missed this post entirely and only recently caught up, therefore wondering what the "secret" was.

So I'm a bit late to the party, but I just wanted you to know that I think it's awesome you could speak this publicly and finally embrace your whole self. Truly awesome.

I know there is probably still some turbulence as others adjust to their new version of YOU, yet nothing but good can come of embracing who-you-are and allowing others to know all of you.

Bravo.