like a spring sort of

You lucky few who read this blog get to sit through yet another post where I bitch and piss and moan and whine and bitch. The option of course is to go ahead and click the next thing on your blog reader or just x out of the damn thing.

I think I mentioned my current joblessness. I'm still carrying a huge grudge for the douche that fired me for having had a bad day and voicing my opinion. No one at the most recent job ever had the balls to say anything to me, so basically I got fired by a coworker, a fellow line cook, and I have his third or even fourth hand story to explain to me why I don't have a job.

I've filled out more applications at more restaurants than I can even remember over the last couple of weeks. I'm down to about ten dollars in my bank account. I should obviously have stopped buying beer and cigarettes, though in the beginning I was sure I would have a job soon, so it wasn't really that big a deal. Now it's to the point where my stress and depression levels are so high that I don't dare quit cold turkey. I'm sure that sounds like an excuse, but if you are or have ever been a smoker or a decent drunk then I'm sure you can understand my issues.

I have a low grade headache that's been hanging around the base of my skull for days. I've been shitting erratically for days from the stress's effect on my stomach and my piss poor diet which is also thanks to the stomach effect. I feel so tightly wound that the least and stupidest little thing is bound to set me off. I'm at some kind of breaking point where I almost wish someone would give me a reason to explode. My knuckles are sore from punching walls and doors and cabinet doors and the steering wheel. My back hurts, a typical place for stress to build up, and for some odd reason there is a pain recurring randomly in my sternum. It feels like it's right in the bone.

I thought I had a lead on a job until I finally was able to pick up and drop off an application. I was told they were hiring as they'd just lost several cooks. The guy that took my application informed me that his hours had just been cut. Another lead was at a place not yet open. I've heard from one person that their bank just went out of business and from another person that they've spent all their investment money and still aren't ready to open.

Next week I begin by lowering my standards. I'm going to have to look at restaurants where I know just having to go in will depress me. I don't want to me a snob about it, but I know my skill level is higher than Cracker Barrel, yet that's probably the next place I go. And this is fucking with my self esteem. It's been low enough lately without circumstances stomping it lower, so I'm really going to look forward to this fun.

And there's a new gripe filled blog post. I'm really feeling like shit lately, a little worthless, even a bit friendless. I feel like I spend every night sitting on my ass waiting for the next day so I can repeat the cycle of driving around town, asking if people are hiring, can I have an application anyway sort of shit. I owe Momma for bills already, and now I'm going to have to go to her begging for help. She can't really afford it, and my soul can't afford to have to ask.

I really just want to crawl into bed and hope when I wake up everything is better, somehow magically something. The option feels like slamming my throat in a door, and that, sadly, doesn't seem like the worst idea I've ever had.