Sunday, November 30, 2008

a talk with the wife

I totally hate having feelings all of the sudden. I don't all of the sudden hate it, but all of the sudden I have feelings, and I hate it

Momma and I finally got a chance to hang out and drink too much beer and talk. She's been so far up her boyfriend's ass lately that she and I haven't had a lot of time. And with my unemployment and boyfriend free status, I have had lots of time. I've also needed someone to talk to. We just never got our two way wristwatch radios synced.

Something else I'll admit. I don't have a lot of friends. I don't think I ever have, but lately it's really been fucking with me. I have a habit of being a douche bag, sort of a defensive wall kind of thing. I put people in their place before they have a chance to hurt me.

I need to tear that wall down. I need to let people in. There's a bit of a problem with that. I'm gay. Boys don't make sense to me, and most girls just don't see the friend I could be. I could be friends with boys, but I don't get what the hell they're talking about most of the time, and I just don't care what the score of the game was most of the time. Girls? Well, most of them have had enough of boys to last a lifetime, so why would they even imagine that a boy could be a friend?

Tomorrow needs to be the first day of the rest of my life. I have a lot of work that I need to do. Among the things Momma and I covered is that I don't really like myself very much, and that has led and continues to lead to any number of other issues.

We talked about all sorts of shit, and we were even able to get into her life a little bit. It was fun and nice and stuff, but I also realized I need to let go a little bit. It's part of my friend issue.

But . . .

First I need to work on my relationship with the boys. They need more attention than I've been willing to give them. I've felt like shit so much lately, and I've tended, to some extent, to take it out on them. Because I get so absolutely nothing in the way of what I need I end up cutting myself off from them, not giving them what they need. That's more a variation of the truth, but it gets to the core of the problem.

That's the place I've known I needed to start. That's the beginning of what I need to work on. That first step is the hardest, knowing that my ultimate goal is a complete change in the way I've been living and parenting. They are worth the effort, but can I pull my head out of my butt long enough to start doing right finally?


Frankie said...

You know what, Sam? I could have written much of this post. You are *so* not alone with your feelings. I know a lot of people in my town, but I don't have any friends here. I keep telling myself I need to work on that. I don't quite know how to, though, because it's a small town and everyone I meet is uber-religious or else they talk about things--materialism.

I've always enjoyed hanging with guys better than gals because I don't care about fashion or most girl things. Guys tell poop jokes, and stupid jokes that make me laugh. I ignore the sports stuff. ;-)

I have some really good friends in my life, and they're internet friends. The face of friendship is changing, you know.

As for your kids--you've always been a hands-on kind of dad. Just fake it until you make it. I'm not always in the mood to do things with Thomas. I do it anyway, plaster a fake smile on my face, and he ends up having fun and I usually pull myself out of my funk. A little.

No one is perfect, we all have our issues. There's no such thing as a perfect parent, either. We need to take care of ourselves, and that is a good example to set for our kids.

Focus on them, but give yourself some me time, too. Find that happy balance.

I wish we lived in the same town.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, kids first. Faking it is fine, natural and 100% OK, and half the time you'll find yourself accidentally kind of having fun doing whatever dopey kid stuff. Yours are old enough now that they can learn some card games, which is where kid-related fun kind of starts & stops for me.

Good luck to you and Momma both. Shit is tough but shit gets handled.

Kate said...

I'll be your friend.

I found you over at Doc's blog.

Totally understand about being surrounded by people and being lonely. I know lots of people, but have few friends where I live...