out, durned gay

With the new job I'm meeting lots of new people. There is one guy, a gay no less, that works within the family of companies I'm now a part of, and one of his bests friends is also a best friend to Momma and me, and they both know about my own faguality. There's also a bartender down the block, also part of the "corporate" family, and I told her just a couple of nights ago. The cook with whom I drank beers and got high after work one night last week now knows, as it came out as we were partaking in the drinking and smoking.

The cook in question didn't believe me at first. He kept asking if I was serious, if I was messing with him. He pointed out, perhaps a couple of times or so, that he didn't care, that it didn't make any difference to him. After expressing his surprise and finally being convinced that I was in fact serious, he seemed to try to play it off. He knew, he told me, or was pretty sure. Something I did, some way I acted, perhaps a mannerism, something indicated my gayness to him. Then it was my turn to be increduless (a new word that means almost incredulous but not quite actually at all) and wonder what I'd done.

I started this post several hours ago. It was actually a growth on the side of my most recent post, and my self editing brought the monstrosity to my notice. It isn't that it's a monstrosity as a post, but as part of that last post it most certainly was. So it became it's own post. I copied it and pasted it into a new blog posting window, and now I seem to have gotten back to it.

Coming out I think, somewhere along in there.

Without trying to narrow down the place I work to any local readers, I will admit that I can see some people ice skating when I'm at work. Tonight there were some guys from a local hockey team. They were wearing their jerseys, and I wouldn't really have noticed except that I smoke and I went outside to do so and saw him.

Of course it was not to be, the jock on the ice isn't going to notice the aging gay punk guy skulking around checking him out, but I did mention it to one of the servers in a "hey, did you see number blank out there on the ice?" sort of way.

"I'm not really into hockey players. I like skinny nerdy guys," she answered.

"I do too," I said, "but that number blank is awfully easy on the eyes."

I also complemented her on her tights later in the night, but only after she pointed out how one leg was completely twisted, and they really did look great with her jacket. That's got to be a little gay. I don't know that she's figured out that I'm gay, but in trying to be me I find sometimes that I'm kind of gay.

Then as the night ended, as I sat outside waiting for Momma to show up, drinking a beer and enjoying a cigarette while chatting with one of the managers, it really happened.

I've mentioned Momma and/or the kids as one does at one's job. She asked me first about the kids, probably their ages. I told her and showed her the picture of them that is my phone background. She asked how long Momma and I have been married.

And then it happened.

"Well, we've been married for a bit over ten years . . . but . . . well, it's pretty much over," I say, or something very like this, in answer.

She can't help but wonder, "wha . . .?"

An answer I've used a couple of times now, "yeah, coming out will do that." And I'm met with some amount of incredulity. I'm used to it, and really, it's to be expected.

And really, the only thing holding me back in a general being out sort of manner is that knowledge that not everyone knows, and it's not something you go in proclaiming. At the same time I'd be so much happier if everyone just knew already. I'm already over it and am just ready for everyone to deal with it and let me know how they plan to deal with it, so I can deal with it and know how things are going to be.