Tuesday, July 06, 2010

should just deal

Was I more outspoken a blogger about gay issues when I was in the closet?  I sometimes think so.  I'm not sure why, but I have some possible reasons.

Admittedly one can never know who is reading when they throw things out into the blogosphere.  I certainly never meant to open myself to family reading, but I did accidentally.  And at first that wasn't a problem because I was still hiding.

But soon after that I wasn't in the closet anymore, and the whatever I said about teh gay was somewhat about me.  Even if what I said wasn't about me, if it was gay, it was just because.

So I began to censor myself a bit.  Of course I've said some outrageous things in the past both pre and post closet.  I thought about those things, but I was likely at least a little bit tipsy, so at the moment my fingers told you those things I didn't care.  I don't often go back and reread what I've posted, though I have a couple of times, and one post in particular stands out, though I'm not revisiting or searching to link to it.  I just don't care that much.

And now I really want to pull that censor back out of the mix, but I've let him have his say so often that it's become a habit.  I'm bad about developing bad habits that I stick with out of not wanting to deal.  I do or don't do too many things out of a desire to not have to deal, and that's a habit I should really work on breaking, smashing into tiny little pieces that I can sweep up and toss aside.

That doesn't mean I'm going to write something crazy right now, because I'm not.  But I am going to try harder.

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