Monday, December 27, 2010

resolute these nuts

I've never made new year's resolutions.  I don't really believe in them.  They always seem like they were made up in a moment of clarity that happens to be surrounded by a lot of getting and then being way too drunk because you were at a NYE party, and it's what you're supposed to do.

At the same time I want my life to be different, and a lot of this wanting is coming to a bit of a head right about now.  I've been thinking and thinking, and I think I've come up with some ideas.

The only solution that I have is to give myself this arbitrary date at which point I want to begin putting my bad behavior to an end.  And it's not that I'm so bad of a person or that my behavior is so bad, but it's not even a little bit helpful, and I want my life to be different.

What I've come up with, in my head, is this idea of new.  I've done things the old way for a long time, and I'm still here, broke and alone and unhappy.  The old ways aren't working, so I need to try some new ways.

I'm not sure the shape this will take, but I'm setting a deadline, and after that I really have to figure out what changes are going to get me to a point.  I need now to figure that point out.  I need now to set some goals.  I've got twinnyleven to figure my ass out, and then I've got twinnytwelve to make a point of it.

How will I start?  Putting the boys in school is a big start, both for them and for me.  I'm going to worry more about their education, and I need to be involved in their school/schooling.  Another step that should be easy and maybe even fun is to begin to put more concern into both my diet as well as the boys'.  We don't eat very well, and I could easily solve that problem.  Beginning work in those areas will help me to want to work harder to better myself. 

How happy am I in the world of food as I've known it?  What would I rather do?  I've been in food service seemingly as long as I can remember.  It's what I do.  It's how I earn my dough. 

How can I find a way to make my life better in solely monetary terms?  I hate to think of it that way.  There's a stink of "selling out" that punk me finds repulsive, but punk me barely pays the bills and seldom on time. 

I need to remember throughout the year that "I'm too old for this shit."  And I need to devote my efforts to better things, better places, better meals, better friends.  And it has to begin with me.  I have to take that first step and then the second and on and on.

Repeating past mistakes will never yield new successes.

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