Saturday, May 19, 2007


Today's mail was apparently not entirely worthless, or so it would have you believe. The credit card offer of course was immediately tossed as we've certainly learned our lesson there, sort of. The other letter seemed at first as if it were no more than the usual religious based scheme. In a sense, the two offers aren't so different.

Do you like my Bible handkerchief? That's what I'm holding in the picture. It came soaked in prayers. Ministers have been called by god to send these out to people. They always seem to show up whenever people are in real need, according to the testimonials from real people. This begs the question, what do they know about me? Do I need something I'm not aware of that the prayer soaked Bible handkerchief will allow be to gain?

I'm sure there's more to it. I didn't read all the material, because I don't need to look at every item in the garbage can to tell me where I am. Likewise, I don't need to read through the entire scam to figure out what it could become if I were one of those kind of people who sends this thing back. To get my blessing, I write my name and need in the center of the paper handkerchief, then I place it strategically inside my Bible over a certain verse. I place all this under my side of the bed before I go to sleep tonight. It all ends with my sending the prayer handkerchief back to whomever sent it to me, then I sit back and wait for my blessings.

I'm assuming this whole thing is a scam, a targeted marketing device used to seek out people who will willingly "donate" money to whatever organization is behind this. It wasn't even addressed to me or anyone else here but to "Resident-To A Friend." The return address is to Prayer By Letters, Saint Matthew's Churches.

This isn't the first of this sort of thing I've ever gotten, but it was the first I've received right when I needed some sort of post fodder to kick start the ol' blog writing. So maybe I've already received my blessing. If that's so, then I not only don't have to write anything on the prayer handkerchief, but I also don't have to hunt down our copy of the Bible or sleep over it.

I'm wondering though if maybe I should at least try. I could think of a few things that I'd like to be blessed with, Powerball being as likely as blessings. Maybe they could make the credit card debt magically disappear. Maybe I could, through my paper prayer handkerchief, cause the complete end of all legal prohibitions on marijuana. Yes, I think I know what I'll put on my handkerchief. And to be sure, I will dig out the Bible and sleep over my need. What NORML has failed at for so many years, I will attain through my need being soaked in prayer from some scam organization. I will triumph!


Michele said...

A few other ideas to write in the handkerchief:

1.) Heavenly father, I ask that you grant every woman on earth the right to choose.

2.) Dear Lord, may Gay couples have the right to marry.

3.) I humbly ask in the name of your son that all water fountains freely flow with wine. (Preferably a Pinot Noir, but I am humble and would be happy with an English fat bastard.)

Or you could just blow your nose in it and send it back.

Okay, I may have to go to church tomorrow to make up for this comment. Of course with mail like that coming out of churches I think God has a few more idiots ahead of me in line that ned a good smiting.

Audrey said...

I was going to suggest wiping your ass with it and sending it back postage due.

But that would be a little crude. Just a little. ;-)

unschooler said...

Dammit! Why don't I get mail like that anymore?