Friday, January 11, 2008

just click away while you can

Times I want to just dump the bucket that is my head out, just empty it and start all over. I think sometimes I should sit down and write. I think sometimes I just need a shoulder to cry on.

I even think some times that I'll be able one day to make sense out of everything. It's never happened yet, so I've got no reason to believe it one day will, but I can't stop wishing or hoping or whatever it is I'm doing.

I'm a master of the talking without so much of the walking. I'm good at putting together strings of words that make me look more a master of my domain than I really am. I'm mostly a guy in his mid thirties whose brain is stuck at a much younger place. I have a great wife and great kids and want nothing more than for a handsome prince to sweep me off my feet.

Princes aren't just ambling down the street these days. I have to accept that I am where I am and on some level give consideration to making sense of myself. Last time I set out to do that I had not only the drugs but also the time. I don't think it worked so well that time, so I'll have to find a different route.

I feel currently like I'm wasting time in a hallway lined with doors. Entering any one of the doors represents having to sink myself into and make sense of any number of questions. I don't want to do the work that involves, so I loiter in the hall a bit more, pretend I'm thinking about something important. I keep myself in a place that is safe but is stagnant.


Kim said...

It isn't unimportant to loiter in the hall thinking before picking a door. Some doors are harder to back out of once you go through them. But Sam, it sounds to me like you are at least in the house if you have a hallway to loiter in. So you've made some decisions that worked out up until now.
Hey, I ran with the metaphor but you started it!

Michele said...

Let me play mother for a bit.

The consequences are so big, Sam. I think it's good to just float a while more, until you feel like your actions won't be desperate ones, but come from a place of reason and discernment. Make a list of parts of you need the most attention and go through those doors one by one. It could take a great deal of time. But let that prince be someone who loves you because you come from a place of wisdom and self assuredness.

You are still young. You are also lucky that you are a man and you will just get more handsome as you age.

Ren said...

Gosh, this sounds a bit like something I wrote a while back....along the lines of being afraid to truly follow my passions and move forward with my dreams.

I can definitely agree that "floating" a bit until the waters clear is not a bad idea. It will all settle and choices come to the surface.