I feel as if I should post some sort of update, an answer to my most recent post in which I channeled my angsty and confused sixteen year old self and wrote something I would have called poetry roughly twenty years ago.
It's often hard not to feel guilty about having kept my sexuality some sort of secret for so long. It wasn't that it was a secret between Momma and me, because she knew. I, however, convinced myself I was bisexual and just accepted it as true. I should have known better, and on some level I did know better.
So we find ourselves in the here and now, and by letting the genie out and confronting it I've put a swift stop to the relationship we thought we had for so long. And it's all those years that I find myself having to figure out, except that there doesn't seem to be a lot of figuring out going on.
As one would, Momma has asked me about those years, and my best explanation is to accept that I can't explain anything. I can't help either of us make sense out of it. I have to wonder if it's just that I don't want to delve into it as opposed to not being able to make sense of the tough questions.
Momma and I had this conversation months ago. It really is settled, but like picking a scab, my brain doesn't want to let it go. I don't really know if I need those answers or if it's something to just let go of. I want to just let it go, accept that we don't always get answers, but the part of my brain that can't let go of guilt is holding onto this, demanding that I feel bad about this.
And that's where I too often end up lately. It's the stupid things that make me feel bad, and as depression does, it grows from there, sucking in anything that can add to the mix. It never takes long from there for me to slap together some overwrought post full of poor sad me sorts of themes. The difference is that this time I didn't delete it immediately.
And finally, to the people who commented to that post, I really appreciate it. It was all stuff I should and do know, but we silly humans sometimes need to hear things repeated.
2 comments:
I guess I'm really behind on blogs. Just read through your past entries.
I don't know what to say to you, but just wanted you to know you have my friendship and suport.
It's tough not having answers.
I don't remember how I stumbled on your blog but it caught my eye. I admit it's the whole, "Gay and Married" thing that drew me in. This has always been a fear of mine to marry someone and them later discover or admit that they are gay. My best friend in the whole world is gay but he dated women in High School and when those women, who he had very committed and long relationships with, find he is gay it really upsets them. They ask a lot of questions that he just can't answer, "What do those years mean? Were you ever attracted to me?" are just a few. I really don't have anything to say except that I'm a new reader and very interested in how your life will and has evolved.
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