Wednesday, January 16, 2008

momma gets her turn

Momma has a blog, though as of now her three posts amount to one a year. Her newest was written two days ago and has to do with the entirety of 2007, at least as far as our relationship goes. Go and read it HERE, and then come back for my own additional thoughts.

Right, so you read it? Because what I have to say may not make much sense if you didn't.

If you did read, then you've seen now the catalyst, the spark that finally allowed/forced me out of the closet. Now for some things that are hard to admit.

I never really believed that she was the one. I thought on some level that she must be and maybe even wanted her to be, and I, most of the time, thought of us as together forever. But all along I knew better. All along I wished that she'd do something to give me an excuse. I knew the truth, yet never felt I could admit to it or do anything about it.

Her sneaking around and being dishonest are quite understandable given the nature of her nocturnal activities. The actions that called for the sneaking and dishonesty are harder to understand, but through discussions she and I have had, I've come to understand her and her motivations to some extent. Her youth gave her own sexual nature plenty of fuel to be confusing to her, and I can completely understand that all of that led her to where she found herself.

In her post Momma mentions my forgiveness. We shared dishonesty, both of our own kind, and I completely forgive her dishonesty. Considering the fuel mentioned above, considering what she's shared with me about her childhood and youth, I don't feel that her actions need to be forgiven. I can't blame her for being confused. I can't blame her for sex and sexual issues getting the best of her. I am equally to blame if we never were completely honest with each other before being forced to. Perhaps if she and I had talked more and more honestly a few years ago then things wouldn't have progressed to the point they did. It isn't that I don't forgive her, because I completely do forgive her the things I think she truly had control over. A person's nature doesn't need forgiveness any more than you can forgive a candle for giving light.

But then comes all the other stuff. We've had a great time together over the years. We have produced two wonderful children through this. We have a strong and wonderful friendship. How much of this would be possible if I'd come all the way out earlier in my life? Where would we be if we'd never gotten together in the first place?


audrey said...

This may be completely out of line, so don't okay the post if it is.

When I read at the end of Momma's post that she envisions the two of you "raising your kids together" and the line about "a strong bond that doesn't need to be broken" I just lost it.

Through all of this, Sam, the only thing I think of is how much I want you two to find a way to remain together, with your children, and be happy... somehow. I don't know how, but somehow.

I can't dare imagine the logistics of such a thing, nor the emotional ride it undoubtedly take you on, but I just want so badly for you two to work it out. The things you've said about her... the things she's said about you... unless it's complete bullshit, there's no way one could deny something really powerful and beautiful between you two.

Cherish it.

samuel said...

Your comments are always appreciated, Audrey. Momma and I have discussed this and have come to a sort of understanding.

We understand that no one will love or care for our children more than we do, and we know that whatever lies in our future, the boys will be most important. So whatever we do, wherever we go, whoever we meet, all this will have to be subordinate to our relationship with the boys and because of them our relationship to each other.

We really are best friends. We couldn't have come through all of this if we didn't love each other and care as much as we do. Because of this the questions that are hardest to answer have to do with love and sex.

ImPerceptible said...

I want to say something but I'm not sure what. I guess I hope that the two of you find a way to make things work for everyone involved. It might not be the traditional way. It might be a way that makes sense to no one but the two of you. Just keep an open mind and keep trying. I wish you both well.

Gem said...

Wow, what a journey you two have been through, and still such a strong relationship. And as other commenters who obviously know you better than I do have said, I am so glad you are finding a way to make it work for yourselves and your kids.

Ren said...

I think it is possible to have a very close relationship and raise children outside of a traditional love relationship. I have a friend that realized she was lesbian, yet wanted to raise her children with their father. It's working very well for them.

If the friendship and parenting is the priority, it will all fall into place. Hang in there!

wenso said...

you both have the propensity to live outside the expected norm, not limiting yourselves to trite definitions of making a life for your family together

this moment you are in just seems to be another manifestation of that which you already both possess within you: the ability to feel love beyond boundaries, to know what truly matters to each of you, to openly and courageously embrace your priorities and where they lead you to in the future, to let your life together be what it honestly is and to feel every bit of it

it's living
really being alive
hard as it can be

so telling, too, that Momma chooses to step into a sunrise hand in hand with you and your family: it is a beginning, most importantly, afterall

Sue Doe-Nim said...

Your children are so lucky.

And Momma needs to write more so if you could do the laundry and she could devote more time to me...

SabrinaT said...

What an amazing family you have. Your boys will grow to understand true unconditional love, how many chidlren truly know that kind of love?