Tuesday, November 18, 2008

like morton's salt?

And with this post Cute Boyfriend makes his exit from this blog, and I figure out what I do next. I won't go into the whole story, but it did involve a couple of different reasons and me wondering if one of those is the real reason or if there's something he's not saying.

Add to the list of issues I already have that it will be a while before I feel like I can trust anyone again. This relationship started so well, and even my kids were involved. I hate that they became friends with CB to the extent that they did, because his exit involves them as well. I won't let this happen again.

After everything seems to have settled down, after I call bullshit on the first of the reasons behind the break up I end up with, "You're a great guy, and a you're a great boyfriend, but I just don't feel that way about you."

Is that some sort of boy code for something else?

This has been a learning experience for me. I've learned that I kind of act like a girl when I'm finally being honest and that I'm okay with that. Even when I was pretending not to be gay I wasn't really a typical guy, and I'm sure Momma would say the same. Now that I'm out and letting myself be okay with being gay I'm realizing I'm a bit of a different person than the guy who inhabited my body for so many years.

I want to be mad at him or hate him, but all I can really do is hurt. I wonder if maybe there's some grand John Cusack like effort, some song or phrase that will make him realize he loves me.

I need to be me. That's something I've never done before. I hid in the closet for a long time to avoid hurting Momma as well as avoid whatever negativity I knew would be the result of admitting I'm gay. I'm not a martyr and am not trying to pretend my actions were noble, but keeping the hurt to myself is sort of a habit of mine.

So now I have to figure out where I go from here. I don't want to turn into a selfish asshole, but I kind of feel like that's the way I need to go. I've hurt too much and cried too much over the last year. I've worried that I'll never find anyone, that I'll never be good enough.

This post rambled around and wound up nowhere. That's sort of how I feel. I'm going to finish getting drunk, and I'll probably even cry again. I did have an interview today and may soon have a job. I certainly hope so because being broke AND rejected sucks a lot.

I'll promise to try not to devolve back into the whine-o-puss I was much too recently. The whole figuring out me thing needs to be the real goal. I still have his four gauge curved barbells, and I left four or five beers in his fridge. I doubt I'll see them again, and he's definitely not getting the earrings back.

Now where did I leave my overly large boombox?

1 comment:

doc said...

I'm sorry.

Take this time to concentrate on Sam.

Tomorrow everything will look better.

Doc still feels "that way" about you.