Tuesday, January 26, 2010

haven't even

I haven't even looked at this blog in nearly two months. That's a shit record, but it's a record nonetheless.

Chances are that I showed up tonight because I finally checked my email.

I haven't looked at Yahoo in even longer. I let it go a couple of days, and then another couple of days turned into a couple of weeks, and then I just didn't want to bother. I knew there was a backlog of nonsense waiting for me, so many bits and pieces from the random places I've attempted to keep up with.

I've let so many things gather in the bottleneck, and I've just ignored them. I ignored family requests that I visit for the holidays. I missed a couple of comments to this blog. I've just been so far into my own trying to forget that lots of things got overlooked.

It's not so much trying to forget, but I'm also not really sure what else to call it. It's at least some amount of just avoiding thinking about things so that I don't get depressed, and I've done a great job of not being depressed lately, and some of that is just not recognizing, just ignoring.

Am I about to come out of it finally? about to rejoin life in all its bitter yet sweet ups and downs? I find that doubtful. I don't seem to work that way.

I really don't know what it is. I went and started a new blog, but I haven't been any better about that than I have this one, and I've sort of let it go fallow as I've done this one. I didn't meant to or want to, but it's gotten hard to post. I fear sometimes I've run out of things to say, but maybe the truth is slightly worse, that I've grown scared to post.

There was a time when I was like any other anonymous blogger. Sure, there were the blogging friends that I'd made, and I still love that I was able to create this thing that some people seemed to enjoy, but then they all started getting in, started getting too close. I think that's part of a pattern, that if anyone gets too close I start to shut down.

I know that it's part of a pattern. I do in fact shut down when people start to get in. I don't want to be that way, but it's become a bit of a habit, and it's a hard one to break. It becomes a habit because I don't know what to do when people get in, when they start to get to know me.

There was a time when I knew exactly what to do, but that exact knowing meant that I turned into an ass and drove them right back out. It wasn't a conscious effort, but from where I am now I can see that that is what I did. I can see that that is what I do. I don't like people getting in, because then they get to know me and stuff.

Recognizing this pattern is hopefully the first step in fixing it. I'm not sure what fixing it entails, but I'm quite certain I won't like it. It's going to require that I find some comfort and an ability to accept that there are more people at the party than I'm quite okay with. It's going to take me doing stuff, and me doing stuff is not my happy place.

But then that's life in general. I need to do stuff. I've been quite comfortably not doing stuff for too long, and it's really about time that I do do stuff.

p.s. yeah, haha, I said doodoo, but not like that.

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