Tuesday, April 27, 2010

so many words say so little

Given my fairly strong agnostic tendencies one might be surprised to know that I live in some amount of fear of jinxing myself. Mine is probably not that peculiar. And perhaps it's somewhat a self esteem issue. I feel that argument could be made.

The thing is that I often feel like I ruin things by enjoying them. That's really not exactly how it goes. Let's try this. If I get too excited about a prospect, no matter what I put into making it work, it will fail. And even that doesn't fully describe it.

And when this sort of thing happens, as it so often seems to, it's easy to pretend that it's not of my own making, that my own prejudices and habits don't guide me all too often. No, perish the very thought.

But then I find myself working my magic and pulling my strings, and things start coming together. I get excited because my minimal effort is paying off. And if I give no more than a minimal effort I should probably expect minimal reward. At the same time, I'm still letting myself be a defeated hump, so any progress should naturally be seen as a huge step, regardless of the minuscule nature of what I seem to come up with.

All of this must be sooooo cryptic, mostly because I planned for it to be. I feel like I'm finally making my move. And it feels freeing and like the start of something new. I've finally made an effort, and I wonder if it wasn't all meant to be, like I was coiling my springs, waiting cat like for that moment when I finally knew it was time to pounce.

And then I remember that I should have jumped some time ago, and I've succeeded in grabbing the lowest fruit.

But dammit! right now is my time. I'm sure I said that one at least once before, but it was followed by another turn at the wheel, wearing my rut ever deeper. This time it's for reals. I've lined shit up in rows, and though it may really only be one row, I'm quite prepared to knock down the pins.

And with that I take my bag of cliches and wander away from all of this. Actually, I'm not really wandering away. I'm really just gonna slap some tags and a title on it and post. But first I'll proof read it, and I'll miss something.


JJ Ross said...

It's impossible to resist reading sam's unfliching self-examinations, however many or few words he takes in any post to do it! It's a beautiful (and therapeutic?) serial story happening in real time, that rings true even at its most intentionally obscure. . .

JJ Ross said...

Btw, here's my fun news commentary link of the day today:
New Archie Comic Character Named Kevin: Leonard Pitts