Monday, May 21, 2007

fifth grader

The sender, according to Yahoo, is 5th grader 5th grader 5th grader 5th grader, etc. The subject is "Can you beat a fifth grader? Do it and win a free Visa!!!!"

My first response, before I'd even bothered to read this far, was to go ahead and click the little square that checks all the boxes next to the little spam messages so that I can delete them all at once. But 5th grader 5th grader suddenly jumped out at me, all ninety pounds of him, still not quite big enough by law not to have to sit in a booster seat. Plus he's a public school kid I'm sure, so he has all that extra baggage and stress.

But before I deleted 5th grader 5th grader, I reread the subject line. I asked myself, "Can I beat a fifth grader?"

Okay, there are some sizable fifth graders out there. I've seen them, and those are the ones that would be easiest to beat. Some of the more active ones might take a little work, and then you get the little runty ones or the ones that stare into space a lot. Those would seem the easiest to beat, but sometimes it's the little ones that can be the scrappiest.

I started thinking about a little too much until it was like a kung fu movie, and I was just wading into a pack of fifth graders, throwing hooks, overhand, using the height, snapping kicks, turning their little hats forward and pissing them off.

And suddenly, I realize, I'm probably a couple more percent asshole than I was just moments ago when I hadn't imagined myself . . . honestly, the thought is just too much too bear. Really, why would I imagine beating up whole piles of fifth graders? And to say meanness about the kid that stares into space. Hell, I'm still that kid.

It's just not right.

But the Visa sounds kind of nice, so you ain't hearing no.

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