Friday, September 14, 2007

man list

COD has posted a list of twenty five things a man should know as decided on by Popular Mechanics. I'd add at least one, but if you are a man reading this and don't know about the clit then there isn't shit I can do for you.

So, I'll go through the list and give you my honest judgment of my ability to perform the task at hand. You could even call it a meme wherein you lift the list of skills and post for all the world to read, you own adequacy.

1. Patch a radiator hose-my first thought would be some sort of tape. I'd lean toward duct tape, and we usually have some purple duct tape in the car as part of Momma's roller derby stuff.

2. Protect your computer-from?

3. Rescue a boater who as capsized-by screaming, "CALM DOWN YOU DUMB SUMBITCH I'M TRYING TO FUCKIN' HELP!"

4. Frame a wall-I could do the required actual physical part given a patient teacher, and I could eventually learn to make all the measuring and cutting. I even know measure once, cut twice.

5. Retouch digital photos-Google will give you Picasa, a delightful photo editing thing that seems to work for me though Momma and I are slowly learning how to use it in tandem with My Pictures.

6. Back up a trailer-I know how to back that ass up, and I know how to take it slow enough so that you figure out the steering.

7. Build a campfire-pretty much, but how primitive are we talking? I've seen the process on tv, probably Ted Nugent's reality show, whereby one can make fire using sticks and string. It's like watching Kung Fu movies as a kid. Right after you see it you're quite certain you can do it too.

8. Fix a dead outlet-not in the least.

9. Navigate with a map and compass-my only experience here would be from playing video games, but I'm sure if that's taught me nothing else it's taught me something.

10. Use a torque wrench-mostly

11. Sharpen a knife-roughly. I've generally only ever had shitty Sysco knives to deal with that had already been sharpened poorly by years of cooks before my time. And I've never personally owned a sharpening stone that was worth shit. I've actually never even worked in a restaurant with a decent stone. There was always some sad, oil slickened thing that, regardless of how it was treated, was fated never to make a true edge upon any knife ever again.

12. Perform CPR-see number seven minus the assumption that I can actually perform CPR.

13. Fillet a fish-now this one is cooking related, so having never done it doesn't apply. I've taken apart bits of animals a few times, and I know how it's done, so though I'd do a detestable job that would make Momma smirk, I could in fact fillet a fish somewhat.

14. Maneuver a car out of a skid-assuming I wasn't going so fast as to put myself into a horrible skid I think I possibly could.

15. Get a car unstuck-from what? someone parking too close to your back end? that giant hump that fucked me up leaving the planetarium that time where we actually had to rock the car? mud? snow bank? impound? to name a few I've already performed.

16. Back up data-I could figure it out somewhat with Microsoft's lovely helpfulness

17. Paint a room-is this one so hard?

18. Mix concrete-the directions are on the bag. Properly using concrete would be a better skill.

19. Clean a bolt-action rifle-I'm sure I could. It's part of the gene thing. Guns? sure I know.

20. Change oil and filter-it's been years, and I really should start doing it myself again, but yes, I have changed some oil in my time. I actually have a few bottles of old oil as part of my garage mess that I keep not getting around to recycling.

21. Hook up an HDTV-um, this one is just rondo. Read the instructions, go back out to buy the adapter that you didn't know you need, plug, twist, plug, lather, rinse, repeat.

22. Bleed brakes-I just had to remember to pump the pedal when I did the brakes on the Ranchero I used to own. Those were the days.

23. Paddle a canoe-again, religion to the rescue. I learned to paddle a canoe on the Flint River in south Georgia on boy's camping trips with the youth group. Damn I miss paddling a canoe on a river.

24. Fix a bike flat-I haven't in years, but you never forget how to fix a flat.

25. Extend your wireless network-call someone? what's a wireless net-thingy?


kim said...

Hahaha! You're not doing too bad. May I recommend the Dangerous Book for Boys to help you with a few more required things, such as how to build a treefort and tie five important knots.

Anonymous said...

aye curumba this makes me so hot and sweaty. Oh, I've been denying I miss men for so long and then I read this list about what a man can do and oh, be still my beating heart.....:)

Anonymous said...

hey there, I linked your list to my blog and there are quite a few guys that commented that can't do most of the things on the list either...hope it makes you feel better?!!

Carrying Contraption said...

These sound rather hard.

What's a radiator hose?